Poland Krakow

Friday, March 27, 2015

Dear Diary 2015

Dear Diary,

It is time once again, 3 months have slipped away silently. Chinese New Year has come & gone. All the gathering with family & best friends really word cannot describe, really hope we can go back to the time when we were singing, dancing while drinking. It's been 2 months I'm writing nothing here. Isnt time to break the silence or the wait is over? Or keep myself reserved until my words run stale? Sometime we write about motivation post, happy post, heart break post we also will write some angry posts because life is not a bed of roses. (Actually this post was composed in Jan 2015, but I add in some additional info since I posting it now)

When you ask someone how are you? they sure will answer you I'm fine. Because we were being told & being taught to answer people we are fine or doing fine no matter what happens. It became a habit. We called this "spread positive vibe", which I don't really think is making sense.

Out of the blue I will ask my friends some silly questions just to see how they react, because their react will be the answer. I used to ask a friend when he was losing few thousand in gambling, are you happy? very quickly he answered I'm happy with my life. I used to ask a friend which I caught him telling lies all the time, are u happy he said I am happy everyday. I find it doesn't make sense. When you are losing money how will you be happy unless your house got money printer? When telling lies has become your daily life don't you feel your life is wasted for just faking it? I know the outside world, radio or books ask us to stay positive, but they never asked you to all cry out, they never asked you to let out, they never asked you to scream it out, how to stay positive when all files are not being closed properly in our mind & heart. That's why nowadays gambler also very positive, liar also very positive, player sleeps around also very positive, people who heart breaks also very positive, all still can fake out the smile cheerfully. we are all staying positive with no kind of way. But for my advice I think if you never honest enough to admit your hurt & weakness you will never move on to another stage, and you are definitely still on the negative side. Your thinking is positive but the action is negative.

We were bind by all these spirit but we still thought it is very happy to doing in repeatedly, sometime I do think this was a curse, why it is binding us like never letting us go. Maybe we need knife or cutter to cut off this rope.

Sometime we have forgotten how to be happy, that's y we need some references from TV commercial.
Oh drinking Moet is a celebration.
Oh driving a Benz is success.
Oh wearing Rolex is classy.
Oh using latest gadget we will look at him like James Bond.
Oh singing like that & wearing this way we call it handsome.
Or search "10 ways to be happy" in Yahoo or Google.

Dear World,
Our happiness is very critical & insufficient nowadays.
We just need more references how to be happy & success, can you please kindly assist? HAHAHAHAHA

We were told to be positive, then we tend to hide all our sorrow feelings. That man who always remember to smile but sadly he suicide the next day, just because showing true feeling will spread the negative vibe which is so naive to think this way, sometime Instead of crying we use angry to cover our emotion. I think every human will have their weak point, I mean I don't mind to see you crying or scolding or sour face for few days or weeks, just because you are hurt, maybe you need sometime to recover or to struggle but make sure u seek for help & get healed eventually, don't let this sour face & hurt turn into scar then it will stay with you forever.

Thank you.

Your sincerely
Ivan Ho

Monday, March 2, 2015

Mr Bond

Last time u felt lonely because you missed someone, Sometime you feel lonely because you refused to call anyone, Now you feel lonely because you can't go back for Chinese New year, even you are surrounded by a million people you still feel alone because they are not the right person to reunion with. Chinese New Year is a time for us to gather with family & friends.

The 1st day I went back to my home town, I was feeling a bit lost, I don't know what to do during the free time, I was so get used to the city life and contact with hometown friend is very rare for me. I said OK, I give myself 2 days to adapt the culture here, I know my adapt skill and social skill are strong enough so it wont be a big deal for me, when I walked into a restaurant I met some friends but the pity thing was I have forgotten their name. Sometime I thought im still know my town very well but actually the data that I having was outdated & I tend to forget many details about my hometown. Perhaps we absorb too many new things & the untouched old memory will slowly fade away, what a shame.

East & west Malaysia are just like the channel. You have shifted to west channel but when I ask you to talk about east channel u will really stumble for a while. Sometime you may lose faith as well when everyone is walking out of this town but you insist to walk in. Many people are not coming back for the festival season but you still make it up for your hometown, you own believe must be very strong. You must have the courtesy to visit your relatives. The old memories that you had in that old house you may need to pay a visit or do a recap for that. Anyway I very miss the town which build me up, when the wind blow at me I know this town welcomes & misses a guy like me.

Growing up in Tawau is just like a bond, this bond cant be broken, It was a training ground. The bond will be fulfilled after 18 years. It used 18 years to build me up & we have our very private relationship with each other. Sometime you pass by your old house you will still remember the laughter that you used to have over there, sometime you pass by your old school you will still remember the crying sound in your head. In small town we will adore the creation of god like plants & the no ending big sky & sea, In city I will adore the engineering concrete work with nice designed building. City's sky wasn't that big because it blocked by the concrete jungle.

When I get on the plane. I lied my head on the tray table to get some sleep but the tears just wont give me a break, an air steward who looks like Pierce Brosnan came over and asked coffee or tea, I was very reluctant to answer him, I just glanced at him & said perhaps you can get me some KFC maybe it helps me to smile again that's what my dad did. He felt kind of weird why my eyes was filled with sadness. He started to ask me: Mr Ho. Are you ok? I said not really & I started my word with: I mean erm......we are forever a kid in our parents' heart I do agree about it, sometime you rather let your father drives you around rather than fighting to take control of the wheel, I think that's the way to give them the confident & maintain the role of father & son. They said grown man don't cry but I was really suddenly being turned into a kid by that scenario just now, my father leaved me at the boarding gate. Heart felt kind of heavy & I don't feel like saying a word. I didn't want to hug anyone but my father took the initiative to hug me and said take care my son. The scene was so similar to the old time when my dad sent me to school, I remembered that time I was still a small kid, when he sent me to class room I will quietly watch him walking away by looking at his back. The different now is im a grown man & my father is at his mid age. Although I still can see thru the glass window that he was talking down stair with friends, the distance was really so close yet so far.

Now I would take sometime to adapt to this city, sometime it will leave you with fear because too many competition here. The only thing I'm very sure is my hometown & my childhood makes me what I am today, the past had given me the best element to fight in this war & future, its not guarantee will succeed but just remember where u come from & what is the goal to be here before you bring the glories back home.