Dear Diary 2015

Dear Diary,

It is time once again, 3 months have slipped away silently. Chinese New Year has come & gone. All the gathering with family & best friends really word cannot describe, really hope we can go back to the time when we were singing, dancing while drinking. It's been 2 months I'm writing nothing here. Isnt time to break the silence or the wait is over? Or keep myself reserved until my words run stale? Sometime we write about motivation post, happy post, heart break post we also will write some angry posts because life is not a bed of roses. (Actually this post was composed in Jan 2015, but I add in some additional info since I posting it now)

When you ask someone how are you? they sure will answer you I'm fine. Because we were being told & being taught to answer people we are fine or doing fine no matter what happens. It became a habit. We called this "spread positive vibe", which I don't really think is making sense.

Out of the blue I will ask my friends some silly questions just to see how they react, because their react will be the answer. I used to ask a friend when he was losing few thousand in gambling, are you happy? very quickly he answered I'm happy with my life. I used to ask a friend which I caught him telling lies all the time, are u happy he said I am happy everyday. I find it doesn't make sense. When you are losing money how will you be happy unless your house got money printer? When telling lies has become your daily life don't you feel your life is wasted for just faking it? I know the outside world, radio or books ask us to stay positive, but they never asked you to all cry out, they never asked you to let out, they never asked you to scream it out, how to stay positive when all files are not being closed properly in our mind & heart. That's why nowadays gambler also very positive, liar also very positive, player sleeps around also very positive, people who heart breaks also very positive, all still can fake out the smile cheerfully. we are all staying positive with no kind of way. But for my advice I think if you never honest enough to admit your hurt & weakness you will never move on to another stage, and you are definitely still on the negative side. Your thinking is positive but the action is negative.

We were bind by all these spirit but we still thought it is very happy to doing in repeatedly, sometime I do think this was a curse, why it is binding us like never letting us go. Maybe we need knife or cutter to cut off this rope.

Sometime we have forgotten how to be happy, that's y we need some references from TV commercial.
Oh drinking Moet is a celebration.
Oh driving a Benz is success.
Oh wearing Rolex is classy.
Oh using latest gadget we will look at him like James Bond.
Oh singing like that & wearing this way we call it handsome.
Or search "10 ways to be happy" in Yahoo or Google.

Dear World,
Our happiness is very critical & insufficient nowadays.
We just need more references how to be happy & success, can you please kindly assist? HAHAHAHAHA

We were told to be positive, then we tend to hide all our sorrow feelings. That man who always remember to smile but sadly he suicide the next day, just because showing true feeling will spread the negative vibe which is so naive to think this way, sometime Instead of crying we use angry to cover our emotion. I think every human will have their weak point, I mean I don't mind to see you crying or scolding or sour face for few days or weeks, just because you are hurt, maybe you need sometime to recover or to struggle but make sure u seek for help & get healed eventually, don't let this sour face & hurt turn into scar then it will stay with you forever.

Thank you.

Your sincerely
Ivan Ho

Mr Bond

Last time u felt lonely because you missed someone, Sometime you feel lonely because you refused to call anyone, Now you feel lonely because you can't go back for Chinese New year, even you are surrounded by a million people you still feel alone because they are not the right person to reunion with. Chinese New Year is a time for us to gather with family & friends.

The 1st day I went back to my home town, I was feeling a bit lost, I don't know what to do during the free time, I was so get used to the city life and contact with hometown friend is very rare for me. I said OK, I give myself 2 days to adapt the culture here, I know my adapt skill and social skill are strong enough so it wont be a big deal for me, when I walked into a restaurant I met some friends but the pity thing was I have forgotten their name. Sometime I thought im still know my town very well but actually the data that I having was outdated & I tend to forget many details about my hometown. Perhaps we absorb too many new things & the untouched old memory will slowly fade away, what a shame.

East & west Malaysia are just like the channel. You have shifted to west channel but when I ask you to talk about east channel u will really stumble for a while. Sometime you may lose faith as well when everyone is walking out of this town but you insist to walk in. Many people are not coming back for the festival season but you still make it up for your hometown, you own believe must be very strong. You must have the courtesy to visit your relatives. The old memories that you had in that old house you may need to pay a visit or do a recap for that. Anyway I very miss the town which build me up, when the wind blow at me I know this town welcomes & misses a guy like me.

Growing up in Tawau is just like a bond, this bond cant be broken, It was a training ground. The bond will be fulfilled after 18 years. It used 18 years to build me up & we have our very private relationship with each other. Sometime you pass by your old house you will still remember the laughter that you used to have over there, sometime you pass by your old school you will still remember the crying sound in your head. In small town we will adore the creation of god like plants & the no ending big sky & sea, In city I will adore the engineering concrete work with nice designed building. City's sky wasn't that big because it blocked by the concrete jungle.

When I get on the plane. I lied my head on the tray table to get some sleep but the tears just wont give me a break, an air steward who looks like Pierce Brosnan came over and asked coffee or tea, I was very reluctant to answer him, I just glanced at him & said perhaps you can get me some KFC maybe it helps me to smile again that's what my dad did. He felt kind of weird why my eyes was filled with sadness. He started to ask me: Mr Ho. Are you ok? I said not really & I started my word with: I mean erm......we are forever a kid in our parents' heart I do agree about it, sometime you rather let your father drives you around rather than fighting to take control of the wheel, I think that's the way to give them the confident & maintain the role of father & son. They said grown man don't cry but I was really suddenly being turned into a kid by that scenario just now, my father leaved me at the boarding gate. Heart felt kind of heavy & I don't feel like saying a word. I didn't want to hug anyone but my father took the initiative to hug me and said take care my son. The scene was so similar to the old time when my dad sent me to school, I remembered that time I was still a small kid, when he sent me to class room I will quietly watch him walking away by looking at his back. The different now is im a grown man & my father is at his mid age. Although I still can see thru the glass window that he was talking down stair with friends, the distance was really so close yet so far.

Now I would take sometime to adapt to this city, sometime it will leave you with fear because too many competition here. The only thing I'm very sure is my hometown & my childhood makes me what I am today, the past had given me the best element to fight in this war & future, its not guarantee will succeed but just remember where u come from & what is the goal to be here before you bring the glories back home.

Self Indulgence

Set yourself free from smoke.

Set yourself free from being a drunkard.

Set yourself free from being a glutton.
Set yourself free from sex.

Set yourself free from drugs.

Set yourself free from piercing.

Set yourself free from abusing your body.

Set yourself free from hating yourself & the others.
Set yourself free from anger.

 

Pray & Fight for your freedom.

Have Yourself A Peaceful Christmas

Some people say we are chasing the time. Ken said we are racing with time. Some say 1 year older 1 year wiser. But 1 thing for sure: you will feel the time is running faster when you are getting older. For us we got no choice we hope the time can go faster so that we can get the salary end of the month faster, that's life.

December is moving like the speed of light. They say Dec is the most beautiful time in the year, many people are anticipating for this month to come, they say this is a month for holiday, some say this is a month to enjoy. Some say this is a month to gather with the close friends & family. Everyone will feel a bit different because the impact of December.

For I personally feel that this month is very meaningful its because at 1st we step into the name of Hope, n then Love, n the week of Joy & into the name of Peace, we are walking thru each week meaningfully & lastly we step into the name of Christmas day & the Christ was born. This is also a time for us to renew of passport of faith so that we can move on without hole leaking. In the week of Love, I was very happy because we got the chance to sing our hymns our Christmas songs in a shopping mall, We sing it not in my way, not your way, not his way but in god's way that's why it was very best & they called it beautiful. We got the chance to spread the good news that's what they always saying in the church.

The Journey to Christmas was really long, the journey to wrap up the 2014 was really gain yourself a lot of life experience, Just like life on a high way which I had written before. The due date will be 25th of Dec, you are on the way to see the new born baby, even its raining heavily you just have to drive very fast to reach the stable before its too late. you have to risk your life to over take others because life without risk will be very dim & boring will be no achieving as well, your car may break down when you are sick just like F1 halfway changing tyres, you need to recover fast & boost back to the track, in the high way u may come to a lot of unknown circumstances' junction or choices, you are allowed to go wrong by turning in but don't forget that's always an u turn to get back to the right track that's y they said back for good, U may slip because of the raining water or even being banged by another car, u will have to carry these scar & phobia on your way but you got to know, nothing can stop you. The problem is not about number 1 or number last, its about did u finish the track eventually.

It is time again to conclude the 2014, I have very few of post in 2014 due to I used my time to rest instead of writing, thats why the productions are very limited. Dont want to say I'm very busy because busyness make us blind, in the end you will find yourself neglected many people. A lot of people will feel better to let people know that they are very occupied & busy, sometime I really don't understand whats the meaning behind of doing that. Why we have to live in someone else's life? Why we have to worry how people feel about us?

Some good questions in 2014
what you have been doing? (asked by a long time no see friend)
I answered: I've been busy drinking in a bar, talking with friend to find out some inspiration & idea, basically what I've written are the ideas which I got daily from the people I met.

I told a mid age friend money is not everything, he said what about use the money to do charity?
I replied I would prefer your presence, I would prefer your work & action, I would prefer you to come every week for support instead of just paying money. We may think the man was very kind because he donated a big money but we never knew he's a thieve in the daily job. That's why I'm here every week to support, here to sing, although I made a lot of mistakes in the songs, in a team we will never failed.

Something to learn in 2014
Mr Dictionary. Please define people who love mighty & power. Answer: people who destroy & they are people in fear.
Don't tolerate him/her but respect her/him.
Its not about your success its about how you handle your failure.

Something different about this Christmas.
I play a part in the choir for Christmas mass

A friend said another year has gone without doing anything right, but at least we still in the game still in the track we still get to see each other sometime, our family not doing the best but doing fine, we still very safe & peace, these have already very blessed & more than an achievement.

Oh. By the way. Forgot to tell you why drove so fast to the stable, beside visiting the new born baby we also receive the peace from Jesus thats why we call it a season of advent. Wish everyone a very blessed & very merry Christmas. God bless those who are in the flood at East Coast. May the peace be with u & spread the good news.

May The Faith Be With You.

I just went to a retreat 1 month ago. Its a church retreat. I gain a lot of friendship from there, it makes me feel closer with all my church members. The compliments that I had received really makes me want to cry. A young man asked me: Ivan you are a young man, you should be very busy with your own activity, but I glad that u has chosen god. Yeah, what he said was right. I always think that im a very wise man because I have chosen god, when u have god u can leave all your fear or problem to the god, why I need to be so stupid to bare this kind fear & problems alone, I really think its unnecessary. Sometime I really feel very disappointed for those who lost their faith in god, they decided to walk alone, maybe they started to have a good or rich money life, Or maybe something disaster happened to them so they blame on god. Everyone life got up & down, I think that is the climax & most amazing part of our life, I can tell you a life without problem will be very boring. I think from my experience when problem occurs in money, in emotions, in something bad or good, in relationship, I never really think of leaving the church, When I have career or financial problem all I can think its I should keep my holy spirit stronger & ask god for guidance. I remember got 1 time I pray until I cried, I tell god I have already very sick of this kind game, I very sick of stagnant in this same old stage for years, I tell god with that amount of money how can I excel? God please let me be the man u want me to be, please let me be the captain, let me be the leader, I said I would like to handle a bigger game now but without you all my power will be very limited, I said I need a collaboration with you, I need you to carry me when im sick, that's y got no point to leave god because he is the only 1 who's free to rely. Of course when I was in my hard day my family members very supported in me because they very believe in me & I very believe in myself & I believe in god, hard day wont last long. I very glad sometime I can stay very positive, I always ask myself why should I scared if the god is with me, I always remind myself why should I be unhappy if the god is be with me. No matter how hard is my day is just because my demand is too high, if I was born in Iraq I will be more pity, but if those people living in Iraq also can find happiness then u should ask yourself why are you unhappy, isn't because your country got no war? you should ask yourself why they got the wisdom to turn the happy to joy, its something really deep. I remember a mother Teresa story, When they are about to lunch, she finds out they have no food left & a lot of children are waiting for her, she straight say a prayer to god, after few minutes a man came & donate the food for the children, from there u can see the faith in her, she lives with no fear, she didn't even bother to borrow somebody's hand phone to call who or someone who drives Bentley or Benz, She is really a very inspired woman. Sometime I really feel I'm a very talented person, sometime I very scared god will take away the talent from me but im very sure even though I continue to sin or arrogant the god wont take away the talent from me because he will never ask for return, only human will ask for return, with his kindness & passion we should try to do our best. That day we went back from HK due to over bought the wines we are being stopped for investigate, we are a bit panic we were thinking to run away, from that incident I feel that we should look at Jesus, he knows the people will come to crucify him & get him killed, he just waited them to come, he didn't think of anyway to escape, that's the very good example of "face your problem". Let me ask you, you like a man who will stand out to face the problem or a man who is wise in escaping?

Eventually without god we can be very happy but lost, without god im just a alcohol addict, without god I got no one to rely, that's y no matter how lost I am I keep coming back to him. Only god can give u peace Only god can give you something infinity, only god can boost my talent to the max. I will never stop asking for more because he can handle that kind of mega volume. By the way I hope I can collaborate with god till the end of time, I do my best & he do the rest.

Passion

By the way, "Passion" is a very deep word, just like an unsolved mystery. I find over and over from the dictionary but I just don't get the answer that I want, I know many people out there are still very uncertain with this word because it has too many definitions. All I can do is find out the meaning of this word from the people I meet, through my encounters and what I had been told.

Some say passion is love.
Some say passion is a fire.
Some say passion of Christ.
Some say passion is a feeling.
Some say passion is an album of Andrea Bocelli.

If passion is love, why don't we say I passion you?
If passion is a fire, why don't they say the passion burns down the forest?
If it is the passion of Christ, why don't we call church as passion?
If passion is a feeling, then should I say I have the passion for eating this burger?
If passion is an album of Andrea Bocelli, what does he want to express?

There is no right or wrong and I would like to share my point of view here. Few months ago I met up with my best friend, He was stressed out. He said nowadays the younger generation "got no passion for money." Then I said: "Sorry, do you mean by making fast money?" There is no short cut in life. In real life we must contribute our work and service before we get paid. To produce a good work we must have the passion in doing it, just like what they say "love what you do and do what you love." Only a good work can demand for a good pay. It would barely for you to excel if you got no passion in your work, the process would be like just the sake of doing it, without any fun or joy. Passion needs to be practiced day by day. Passion is a fire, we have to keep it burning by adding in the charcoal. If you say your passion is money, it would be like you straight away jump to conclusion and the process/progress is missing? Some people say money can make you happy. Yes it does make us happy but what if one day we are no longer using money, then is it all of our happiness and passion would fall immediately? Sometime why you find that it is very boring with your job, high posibility its because you have no passion for this job. I remembered one man asked me have you ever thought of become a boss one day, I answered him I would like to become a boss in the future, it's part of my dream, but it's not now, I think I'm not mature enough to be a boss right now, I give u some examples: if you don't even know how to be a good employee then how will u know how to be a good boss. 2nd example: If u don't even know how to handle 10 dollar how will you know how to handle 10,000 dollar. I would say if I were a boss now, my money would be abused and money will abuse me when I couldn't handle it. Sometime we need to find a job which we have the passion in doing it, not because the high salary and come home complaining everyday. Sometime we got no choice because of the high expenses commitment therefore we force ourselves to love our job hahaha. My friends are very kind, they kept recommending the jobs for me, I appreciate that a lot. I told them that's not what I wanted to do and they said the pay was good. I'm not a small boy anymore, I really hope I can do the job I love. A job which I really can apply my passion. If you got passion in doing that thing u wouldn't mind repeat it everyday.

Money is very important but Passion plays the important part as well. Money could not last long but passion could last till the end of time. You can use your passion to earn a living if you are wise enough. I told a friend I got a lot of passion in music, honestly I kinda like to talk about music, teach music, listen to music. I like to teach music despite some students do let me scold until they cry. but I still love my job because I got the passion in doing it, Big/small Problems do occur sometime but at least I still got the reason to carry on with this job. Passion drove me to do it even though I only had 1 student last time. If I only thinking of big volume of students my passion would have died at the first place. My imagination: A passion can really burn up a forest if your fire is big enough. A passion can really save the world if u got the passion of Christ. A passion can really stop the world and feel the romance if u got the passion like Andrea Bocelli's voice.

Passion is the thing that you will do it unconditionally, My friends show me what is a passion, they draw everyday without anyone paying them, I saw the passion in Mother Teresa, her passion for serving the poor without benefit. Sometimes it is not easy, even doing the things I like, it gives me so much pressures and challenges. Even I have the passions for writing, drawing, singing and teaching I still feel that it is not good enough. Until I saw this quote by Mother Teresa "not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love." It touched and enlighten me. It humbled me as well. The question is not how good you are, its about how much love you dedicate to your service.

Eventually. 

Let's sing with the passion of Andrea Bocelli.

Let's draw with the passion of Michaelangelo.

Let's stand the pain with the passion of Christ.

Let's love with the Passion of Mother Teresa.

Let's live your life with passion.

We Sing, We Joke, We Laugh With The Good Old Friends.

It was my friend's wedding dinner few days ago, a friend who I knew year 2002, cant believe we just spent few months together, after 12 years he called me again & telling me his big day will be happening on Sept 25th 2014, I felt kind of proud & happy to be invited because maybe he really treat me as a friend even though so long without contacting me, or maybe his people is not enough that's why I'm invited hahahha whatever.

About the dinner it's very hard to describe with word, I just can say we were full of joy that night among our old friends. I think physically we have changed a lot but mentally we still see each other the same, same level, just like how we saw & felt each other like the old time. The after effect of the party left a lot of joy in our heart. Time passes so fast, last time we were just 19 years old, we were just started to gambling & teach each other how to smoke, you wont know how dump we used to be, some evil friend will say your mom is not around no worry to try a stick of cigarette hahahahhaha. We will squat down & smoke in the school shop lot's corridor & being chased away by discipline lecturer & the long hair was never passed for enter the exam room. I remember Ramlee burger was our supper & do you remember the time we drank Teh Tarik in a Diesel gas station which people used to park lorries, Do u still remember the time was still selling 7 stick or 10 stick cigarette pack. Do u still remember Water fall & genting highland adventure. Do u still remember wait bus outside the public toilet. Do u still remember play snooker upstairs the KFC. These kind of memory will forever last in our mind because it was our 1st adventure to left home to Pahang Karak.

Basically all of us has stopped smoking, but because of this reunion occasion & without informing each other, everyone of us automatically go to buy a pack of cigarette, its really funny, I think we physically try to do something similar which we did together in the Tar college. In our team before smoke you have to announce if not will be fired with "bo jio". Luckily at the closing time we managed to sing 2 karaoke songs the 2 songs which everyone knows how to sing. After we have took all the gathering pics, I took 2 bottles of beer & continue our lepak downstairs. I know all of us hope the world can stop for a while just to let us talk cock sing song or let us have some more drinks or a few more smoke together but too bad tomorrow everyone have to work.

On the way home the messages were very busy & hot
Fat Brian said: I love you guys & u guys always the best.
Loo said: Very enjoy tonight, thanks, Ivan please write this on your blog.
Ivan: I feel very happy brothers. Thanks for the wonderful night.
Hao is always as usual: if u want to punch me, make sure your fist is hard enough to punch the street pole.(he is out of his mind always)

It is not hard for us to go back to the same old place where we 1st met but the saddest things are the people & places will not be the same anymore. I really very enjoy although same old jokes are repeated but it makes everyone laughs. Some say the moment in karak was the best, maybe because that time we still haven't got any responsible & commitment, anyway no matter where we are, where we used to be it doesn't matter, we all got a stand in each other heart now, no matter hows the future going to be, our friend ship just like a seed i hope it grows fruitfully & bloom with a lot of colorful flowers in our coming days. I cant stop saying I was very enjoy that night & I even thank my mom for arranged me there, what a wonderful stepping stone in my life. Anyway, I know u guys talk about next meet up is all bullshit, make sure you guys really action & work on it !!! hahaha.